Speaking from a place of vulnerability

Dear Devon,

My stage name is Jasper, but my real name is Marcus. I just wanted to be clear on that, so that when I don’t sign this “Jasper,” you’ll know why. Anyway, I think you understand when I say it’s difficult to let people in. But I’ve been single a long time, and I met someone that I like and I’m ready to love again. Or ready to try anyway – I know failure is a possibility, but I’m tired of being alone and lonely. His name is Paul, and I feel that we share that rare connection. The problem is that he knows I’m a dancer (he met me at the club, in fact), and although he is totally into me he thinks I’m being nice to him, because I’m nice to everyone. We went to dinner. I told him my real name, and gave him my number. I even told my Mom about him! He says I meet tons of men, and I can have whoever I want. How do I let him know that I really do want him? How do I get him to separate my work from my heart?



Dear Marcus,

Wow… Boy do I ever understand this situation! Far too well… At any rate, if this is truly something you want to do, despite the complications that could very well come up, then you definitely don’t want to have regrets later for not at least trying. I’m not suggesting that you necessarily copy and paste what I’m about to write, but I think it’s sufficiently sincere enough to be worth rewording in your own way:

“Paul, you know that I’m a dancer, and that I sell fantasies. And yes, I do meet tons of men; however, I don’t meet tons of men that I go to dinner with and tell my mother about. I’ve told you my birth name, which is a huge leap of faith for me. I can understand why you might question my sincerity; however, Jasper takes care of business, and doesn’t truly let people in. This is Marcus talking to you, and I am speaking from a place of vulnerability. There isn’t anything complicated that you should try to read into this: I am interested in you.”

I think that’d be a good start. It’d make me take note if someone said it to me. But I would like to make a point here: Being alone and being lonely aren’t necessarily the same. I would advise anyone to make certain first that s/he is a whole person looking for another whole person. I do not believe in two halves making a whole – that is completely inadequate. Seek synergy. 1 + 1 = 3 is far, far better than 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. Good luck to you, and make sure you pay attention.

Author: Devon Hunter

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  1. A good response Devon. Especially the last paragraph. I spent many years alone and I agree that you need to be comfortable with yourself to maximize your chances of success with another person.

    This dancer’s dilemma is very similar to what the porn stars communicated in the documentary “Everything You Wanted to Know About a Porn Star But Were Afraid To Ask” which I saw recently.

    I think there is an initial reaction on many people’s part re. adult entertainers that they are narcissistic, jaded, even “damaged” individuals that are not capable of having loving long-term relationships. I believe much of that is due to the demonization of sex that has taken place for hundreds of years. If you are having sex for money, or creating sexual fantasies for money, then you are incapable of being faithful or intimate.

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  2. yes, and i would add something else to this scenario: it sounds like paul doesn’t think there’d be an interest from marcus if there’s no money involved. paul can’t understand how marcus leaves work at work: if he sells fantasies to others, how do i know he isn’t selling one to me?

    it’s a valid fear that paul has. however, many, if not most, of the adult entertainers i know are in long term relationships. it’s a sign of self-esteem issues on paul’s part that he can’t accept that someone he’s interested might be interested in return. (again, for valid, but immovable, reasons)

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  3. speaking from the non-entertainer’s side, i dated a dancer for 2 years. it is sometimes difficult for a mere mortal to grasp that someone they have placed on a pedestal (no pun intended) would be interested in them. i know that i couldn’t believe that mario wanted us to be boyfriends. he was so extremely handsome and like paul said about jasper/marcus, “he could have anyone.” i will admit that it was difficult to watch him at work and not be jealous or bothered. I would usually go to the other side of the club which put on a drag show, just so i wouldn’t see him on stage. mario would then join me after his set was finished. in time, i did believe he loved me and deep down i hope he did. however, his actions proved less than convincing and when i lost faith and trust in him, i called it quits. during the 2 years together, i spent a small fortune…ok large fortune to take care of him when the club closed. all i ever wanted from him was to spend quality time with me. i just bought a new 2008 toyota avalon limited maxed out with all available options. does this replace the love i had for him, no way in hell, but it does smooth over the potholes of life. the money that i spent for a multitude of things for him to include rent, food, flying his mother in from el salvador (twice), etc., i could have payed cash for this car. would i do it all over again if i found love, you bet your ass i would. would i date another dancer, you bet your ass i would. why you may ask to both of these questions? well to sum it up, i have a lot of love to give and i want to be loved and i would never judge all dancers or for that fact any group based on one person, but look at people as individuals. in conclusion…..devon, like i have said before, if you every want to date an old chubby man, i am here waiting for you 😉

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  4. first, i need to correct what i typed before in my response to jonathan:

    “again, for valid, but NOT immovable, reasons.”

    sorry… leaving the word “not” out of that completely undermined what i was trying to say.

    joe, if i ever started dating again (which is still probably a ways off), i’d be honored if someone as nice as you would consider putting up with a mess like me. i’m glad you haven’t given up on love. be well!

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  5. devon, thank you for the kind words. i haven’t given up on love, but there comes a point when even the most optimistic guy must eventually admit defeat, and i am realizing that time is near.

    ps: i would be honored to “put up with a mess like you.” in my book, you are a genuine and kind hearted person who makes the world a better and brighter place.

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  6. If I can find a great partner then anybody can. Don’t lose hope guys. And Devon you don’t come across as a mess, if that makes you feel any better.

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  7. no more of a mess than anyone else i suppose. LOL

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  8. Wow… September 18, 2017, and here I am looking at this… Funny, because from October 2015 – May 2016 I was with a man who started as a client who almost became a fiancé. The situation with him played out just as described here, but then I realized he is struggling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I really wish I would reread my diary BEFORE I need to be reminded of what I already know. LOL

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