The bell tolls…

Screen Shot 2015-02-16 at 8.11.56 PMThis week my gramma, one of the most important people in my entire life, started hospice care. People go in and out of it, so it isn’t a death knell per se; however, she has always been a powerfully intellectual and creative person. She was chugging along as her body failed her (when she could no longer draw or paint, she shifted to assembling and decorating doll houses, as well as making elaborate YouTube videos focusing on her own backstory/fan fiction for the Malfoy family in the Harry Potter universe). But now her mind is failing her, and (to be frank) she is giving up. She cannot remember words, and confuses people’s names. As a historian, that must be particularly frustrating – she has always reveled in the nuances of people’s stories, genealogies, and intricate connections with others…

She is “shit-ass bored” in her room (her words, not mine), and there is little to break the monotony. She has a white noise machine that is set to ocean waves, and she likes looking at a photo of the beach at dawn that she took while on vacation back in the 1990’s. I was thinking of taking her an MP3 player loaded with music along with a kaleidoscope projector, so that at least she could immerse herself in sounds and colors; however, I’m not sure it would make her feel better. I’m also not sure I could find something nice, especially during these winter storms.

She wants me to be a writer. She said so, flat out. She wrote many books, one of which has proven to be a very successful history of the county she lives in. I want that: To be a writer. I have wanted it for some time, especially now that I am no longer a dancer/choreographer. Soon I will be writing another entry for gramma. She has nearly died so many times since 1999 that I should have come to terms with this already, but I have not.

I don’t really know what else to say. She looked so bad in person a few days ago that that alone nearly made my head cave in from grief. Weather permitting, I am going to go see her again in a couple days. I don’t know that I want to remember her this way. I don’t want to go so often that the memory of her dying replaces the memory of her living. So how does one balance compassion with nostalgia? I don’t know. I have a very long and detailed blog entry about what happened with my family since grampa passed away. I will wait until she passes to post it.

Edit: A possible solution for the MP3 player (since I cannot find one preloaded with music that doesn’t look like some kind of scam), is to take her my old iPhone 3GS. It has zero value to me as a phone, but it has an iPod built into it. I can see if I can load it with my classical music; however, I don’t know if I have maxed out the number of devices I have connected to iTunes. It’s worth a try. As for the kaleidoscope projector (which has proven just as difficult to find), I will keep looking…

Author: Devon Hunter

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4 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. Be strong and be well. <3

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  2. Peace, love, and strength to her, you, and her family and friends.

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  3. I just found out that my uncles have moved my grandmother out of her apartment. Of course they told no one they were going to do this. Since I am estranged from them and don’t know where they live or how to contact them, it effectively means I will never see Gramma again, and I will probably never even know when she passes away. How did it come to this? Oh yes… Money. Obviously. I feel like something inside me just broke.

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  4. I am very sorry to hear this news Devon. I will be thinking of you and your Grandmother and I hope you get to see her again.

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