Thrown: Exodus from Canaan
This is another entry for The Gospel According to Anteros, and it will be filed under Old Testament/Lamentations. In the introduction I state that the poems will be presented “in their (nearly?) original form.” I wrote that as an apology: Some of these entries are from when I was much younger.
On the one hand, I want to present the works as I wrote them, because that is when they were responses to my fresh memories and emotions; however, that means some of them embarrass me. The style is very… immature. (That is being kind.)
So then, with this entry I am definitely going to include the original as it was written in 1996 when I was 20 years old. But I want to update it, so that I can not squirm in my chair from shame. I prefer to think of this treatment as emulating the deluxe version of the Michael Jackson album called XSCAPE (it first presents the updated versions of all the songs to make them sound current, but it also includes the originals, so that purists can hear the source material).
Thrown: Exodus from Canaan (2014)
Thrown (Original, 1996)
i’d thrown all my Gods away except for you
you werE the only thing i believed in
i followed you thRough the wasteland in search of canaan
but then you Abandoned me in the desert
seeing you each day was Like tasting manna each morning
i thought you woulD always provide
all i wanted was to taste your milk AND honey
it Seems all the rivers have run dry
you confuse me witH your smoke
And you blind me with your fire
i gave you form wheN i pulled you out of your void –
i may have madE you a god but
I CAN THROW YOU AWAY TOO
So, in the original, I chose to capital particular letters to create a message within the poem. Obviously, this poem is a response to the way I feel I had been discarded by Gerald (my first boyfriend, and the person to whom I lost my virginity) and Shane (who is mentioned under the section called “Stupid Boy” in the See Saw entry). As a side note: In 2012 I made amends with both of these guys on Facebook. Both of them approached me of their own volition and apologized for the way everything went down when we were young men, and I don’t harbor them any ill will. But I do like the way I was invoking Moses’s wanderings in the desert as a metaphor for a broken heart. So, there you have it.