Tonight I was sitting out on a terrace by a fire pit, admiring the gorgeous day and beautiful view of Kansas City, MO (which happens to be a really lovely place). I had been out there for about 20 minutes when some boisterous young men came carousing outside and sat around the fire pit with me. It was a squadron of hotties, so I stayed to observe them quietly (I almost left, even though they had invaded my space). To clarify: They weren’t hot because they were straight (but it was painfully obvious that they were), but because they were fit and clean cut (or as clean cut as rambunctious young men who are half drunk can be). Over the course of an hour I learned that many were in the Air Force, and that they were there for Chip/Drew/Aiden/insert whatever name/HAHAHA because he was getting married. I can’t remember their names. I really couldn’t care less what their names were. They were completely obnoxious. And yet they are fascinating creatures… I so rarely get to study breeders undetected. The group was large, they didn’t know each other well, and they just assumed I was part of their group (even though I said repeatedly, “No, I don’t want to go out with you guys. I don’t know you people.”). And so I had a very rare chance to observe Dudes who had no idea I’m gay (however that is possible), and who therefore weren’t changing their behavior around/toward me. It made for compelling reality television… Or a nature documentary…
I felt like Jane Goddall: I had to approach the primates gradually and act like I didn’t really care if they happened to be there. It was my casual, bush scientist face. Dudes are skittish creatures, and you can frighten them easily. Anyway, here is what I observed:
- The more they speak, the less sexually attractive they become. I’m not clear at all on how they ever actually inseminate females to pass on their genetic material, except that (from what they said) it would require getting the females drunk. Honestly, I can’t blame the females.
- The bravado I had always read about was rampant, and I almost felt myself needing to randomly say something inane just to prove I was strong/virile/exciting… This made me horny. I’m confused. Do they do this to turn each other on? If not, then what is the point? I don’t get it. So I just sat quietly and collated data, but this machismo germ is definitely contagious.
- The one getting married (obviously the Alpha around whom the lesser males coalesced as a group – they paid homage to his huge muscles and penis by laughing at all his jokes, probably to avoid a potentially fatal confrontation), instead of using a bottle opener for his beer, used the edge of the fire pit. This jaggedly snapped off the tip of the bottle along with the cap. Despite the risk of slicing up his plump, attractive lips, he chugged his beer while making the comment that, “I’m not a pussy if I don’t take the last swig. I just don’t want to risk swallowing any glass,” to which another in the herd said, “Well, doesn’t that make you a pussy?”
- They are completely indiscriminate about where they insert their penises, which undermines all hypocritical heterosexual arguments against gay “lifestyles.” For real, these creatures will fuck anything. Except for the straight part, sexually they are gay men. What a bunch of sluts! How cool! Or… not…
- They had many contests to see who could come up with the most revolting ideas, especially when it came to drinking alcohol. The winner described something called The New Jersey Turnpike. This “drink” is made by approaching a bartender (presumed to be female), and asking this person to choose the dirtiest bar rag, squeeze the rag into a shot glass, and then bolting the “shot.” I wouldn’t let these people’s mouths anywhere near my body until they could produce paperwork showing they’d had all their shots and vaccinations, including rabies and distemper. I wish I had a tranquilizer dart – I could have tagged one of them to monitor the routes of the drunk driving they were planning in advance to do.
- They would speak in euphemisms and lowered voices when herds of females would amble by; however, the more they drank, the less they seemed to care if anyone heard the rancid sewage spewing from their mouths. Again, I’m confused as to how the human race has perpetuated itself. If this is civilized, then what the entire fuck was life like during times without civility???
- Without any introduction whatsoever (they didn’t even bother to woof at me or sniff my butt or anything, like the gay dogs on Scruff), they would suddenly ask me intensely personal questions like, “What do you do?” I normally have no trouble talking about this. But I decided to be circumspect while at my own hotel and said, “You don’t want to know what I do.” One of the youngest specimens in the herd pressed on, so I said, “Suffice it to say that I would fit in well on either your friend’s or his fiance’s To-Do list this evening during your festivities before the wedding tomorrow.” The specimen seemed more confused than usual, so I diverted my attention back to the groom and his pilot buddy (remember: They’re mostly Air Force people).
- There was a To-Do List. It had 31 items, randomly assigned to the members of the herd. They were as simple as, “Buy a red head a shot,” and as bizarre as “ask a married woman for her best advice about marriage.” One seemed trivial to me, until I remembered that Bros supposedly don’t dance: “Get on the bar and shake your ass.” I think this one most risked a slap to the face: “Ask a hot girl to dance. If she declines, ask her if she will at least show you her tits.” I would have been happy to help with the, “Bend over and ask a hot brunette to spank your ass” task (presuming I’m a hot brunette anyway). It was so puerile that I had trouble understanding if these were grown men or not. Is access to the females’ sex organs so restricted as to preclude/stunt sexual maturation in the males? This requires further study, but I doubt it’s worth the trouble…
- They constantly threaten physical action, but never actually do anything. Because everything requires a threat, nothing actually warrants anything. Hyperbole abounds, especially during the greeting ritual that seems to be a contest to see who can quietly break the most hands while clasping them together.
- The herd becomes a single entity whereby sentences started by one Dude somehow jump across space to be developed by a second, and then skipping again to a third for completion. This happened most often when discussing alcohol, pussy, and cars/planes/jet skis. I confess I am at a loss as to how this group telepathy is possible. The group brain speak is fleeting, and often interrupted by insults. No one seems offended by anything. This type of Bro Banter must be akin to the friendly shade that gays throw at one another.
After an hour I had had enough. I can handle one or two Dudes at a time, but en masse these creatures are overwhelming, violent, and rather disgusting. I’m even less certain now as to why they are so alluring to so many gays (and yet I did find myself oddly mesmerized by them for a few seconds at a time – it must be the same effect they temporarily have on females of the species… these brief occasions must be the 2-minute window of opportunity for mating I always hear the females bemoaning). I wouldn’t recommend trying to tame one of these animals or keeping one as a pet. They seem like they would be impossible to house train. These majestic beauties are best admired from afar in their natural habitat. They definitely seem the type to pick up their own shit and throw it across a room.