Okay, so the title of this post probably implies to you that I am experiencing rage because of steroid use. That would be true; however, I am experiencing rage that OTHER people use them, and I still don’t. I find myself more and more tempted to use them as time goes on. I have been working out for 22 years, and sometimes the journey seems like it will never end (probably because it never will). I have decided once again not to use steroids or human growth hormone, but only because as an artist process and context matter as much to me (if not more) as product.
But I want to also say this: I don’t think using steroids for cosmetic purposes is bad, evil, or wrong. It carries its own risks (I just read about a 33-year-old porn model dying of a massive heart attack the other day), and people should educate themselves thoroughly before choosing to use them. Despite all the myriad complications, I am still sorely tempted. But (for now), my gains are mine alone.
So what brought on this little bout of roid rage then? Simple: Jealousy. I admit it flat out. I am surrounded on all sides by models who have experienced STUNNING results. They look truly spectacular. Many, if not most, are juicing to one degree or another. I am trying to get video ready, so that I can do scenes again in 2014, and I will have to compete with them. I have gained 35 pounds since April of 2009 when I did my first scenes, and almost five years later (has it really been that long ago????) I look very different. It’s time to update my appearance (presuming anyone will cast me), and what happens? On Twitter I come across a model who is also from Charlotte.
And he is utterly transformed.
When I saw this model on stage at Chasers only 2 or 3 years ago, he was so scrawny he looked like he would break if you hugged him. Now he’s one of the hottest guys in Miami. What the entire fuck?? I have been working out nearly as long as this person has been alive, and he can zoom past my fitness gains in only a year?? Now that isn’t to imply that steroids make anything easy. This guy obviously KILLED IT at the gym. With steroids you still have to train INSANE and eat HUGE; however, steroids make your gains more dramatic. Enhancers don’t make getting gains easy, and I don’t think it’s correct to call steroids a short cut. We aren’t athletes at the Olympics trying to pass piss tests to compete either, so there isn’t an ethical problem with porn models using steroids. But 50 pounds of lean, solid muscle in only one or two years???? That completely bulldozed me, and I went into a bit of a tailspin these last few days.
I want to share a blog article from NerdFitness about avoiding comparison. The story reminded me of my own entries about comparison: True You 1, True You 2, True You 3, and You Are Perfect as You Are. (Remember: You are perfect as you are, and you can be better!) What is important to accept is that everyone’s journey is unique, and so what I said earlier in this post about context is critical. This model of whom I am so jealous? He has his life and his reasons for making his choices, and I am not going to pour scorn on him. He has worked hard, and his metamorphosis is dazzling. But I have my life and my reasons for making my choices, too. My choices aren’t better simply because I don’t use steroids. And I am not purposefully speaking from a place of moral superiority, because I do want to use steroids. But I am afraid of them. Many people are not, and we all have to try to be content with the consequences of our choices. I have to try to find natural guys for my gymspiration pics (because I absolutely cannot achieve the same results as these guys on enhancers), I have to be content with the gains I am able to make on my own, and I have to remember that although I can admire extreme bodies I will probably never have one. On the flip side, the juicers have to be content to lose much of their gains one day, they have to be content with whatever symptoms of risk factors they experience, and they have to embrace that their greatness may mean that their fires burn brightly but for a short time. We all make our choices based on our own context, and we perceive risk and reward through the lens through which we see our opportunities.
So, I am going to keep looking at this guy’s pics. He’s fine as hell. I would totally do scenes with him. I wish I had his results. But I also have to remember that his way is his, my way is mine, and we are both equally valid for going our own ways.