“Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Comparisons are almost always harmful. Comparisons mean there’s a winner and loser – and you’re the one who winds up feeling like a loser.” – Janet Jackson
“I am most beautiful when I’m allowed to nurture my own sense of presence and style. I fail miserably almost every time I have to ‘win.’ I hate winning. I love excelling.” – Devon, Part 1
“And that’s why I told you the other day that your potential takes my breath away at times. I know that when you’re feeling low you don’t believe all the good things people are telling you. But that’s when it’s most important that you hear them.” – Anonymous, Part 2
Roxy C. Moorecox is a very good friend of mine, who is also an amazing talent (her Adele illusion is widely recognized as one of the best in the world). She’s also a neighbor, so it’s convenient (when she’s in town and not doing a tour of Los Angeles, Chicago, New York City, London, etc.) to go see her and hash everything out in conversation. It was exactly what I needed. Roxy and I go back years. We’ve performed in several of the same clubs together, and we have had several occasions to entertain as a rather comedic team of opposites (she’s at least 6’1″, whereas I am 5’6″). I love her. I trust her. We have had many conversations about career plans, and every now and then we also listen to each other. That is what Roxy did for me last night before she had to get ready for a performance a few hours later (which was amazing by the way – I love illusion artists who sing live).
Roxy reminded me of something crucial: Perspective is EVERYTHING.
While I was blabbering at her dining room table about regret, death, and other nonsense, she just sat there nodding and waiting patiently to tell me what I’d forgotten. Isn’t that the way these situations usually work? Sometimes you really do just need to hear what you already know, or get a friendly reminder. Or sometimes you just need an enormous drag queen to tell you to put your big boy britches on and stop acting like a prissy bitch. (Hey, whatever works, right?)
At any rate, after I vented all my doubts, frustrations, fears, etc. she simply said, “But look at where you were before, compared to where you are now.” That is SO TRUE. She made the point that once we get from “Level 1” to “Level 2” we’re already looking at “Level 3,” and that this process continues ad infinitum. So, look at where I am now after all this time… It’s not so bad from that point of view. I’m nowhere near finished with whatever it is I “need” to be doing, but I’m so much further along that path than I used to be. And what is even more interesting is that there are so many people who wish they were already where I am now, and they look to me for advice on how to get here!
HOW UNGRATEFUL CAN YOU GET?!
Give me a damn break. I needed to remember gratitude, and now I have. I feel so much better. It’s such a relief to throw off all that burden of “failure.” I don’t give a shit if the most dickheadest of the dickhead models and escorts are the ones doing scenes and winning awards. I don’t give a shit if Michael Lucas, Sean Cody, and Treasure Island make millions doing bareback porn. It’s not my problem that anonymous trolls and insane blogger assholes dump acid all over each other and the scenes they discuss. None of that has anything to do with me. Although I would have liked to have inserted some modicum of kindness into all that, it isn’t my responsibility. My site is not going to be a source of shame or disappointment to me – that site and everything about it is so far ahead of its time, and so positive and affirming, that these demonic heathens didn’t know what to do with it. I had good intentions, and I’m not going to wallow in self pity that my site for Happy Butt Sex and Magic Ponies didn’t work out (for now). You know what? I made beautiful stuff that addressed EVERY complaint/protest I have heard/read people make about gay porn, and one day (perhaps a long time from now) it will find its life. But for now I have to disengage and try other ideas. Oh, and I’m sick of trying to put on muscle mass to be ready to do scenes I don’t even want to do. I want to start dancing more, and if I lose some muscle mass from the extra cardio, so fucking what? It’s my goddamned body, and although I like the mass, I hate that I can’t get the bulking fat off by high intensity interval training alone. Perhaps I’ll even start dancing in clubs again or taking dance classes, just to burn the residual bulking lard off? Whatever I do, it will be because it’s what I want to do, and not because I’m trying to live up to the expectations of people I don’t know, may never meet, and probably wouldn’t like if I did. SO MNAH!
I’m not a failure. Not at all. I think big, I take creative chances, and I forge on confidently after considered deliberation. For Christ’s sake, I was seriously considering the purchase of a $4,000 television at BestBuy today. What the fuck? I don’t even watch television. (And no, I didn’t buy it; however, if, like jewelry, I find myself dreaming about it for weeks, I will.) But I’m not living in 2009 (or the years leading up to it), I’m now in 2013, and like Roxy said, “Do you even realize the number of people you help and encourage just by being you?? You are doing well, and you will continue to do so for a very long time.” I’m choosing to apply that manifestation of success to every part of my life, not just money/career. Every goal is a process, but I definitely feel so much better now.