The last week I have been blogging more than I have for months. It’s one of those times where everything starts coming together. There are no coincidences. Whether or not reality is orchestrated by an external intelligence, there is more than mere chance acting as a glue to hold all this together. So, let’s just talk in terms of alignment then…
Just days ago I blogged about the mass shooting in Connecticut. Then there was Yule, the shortest night of the year, and my simultaneous discovery that Randy had died. Today I finished watching the final season of Six Feet Under. In 2012 I was very busy with my new site, and in many ways I had utterly neglected myself. I was becoming more and more withdrawn from people, especially after my marriage ceremony to myself (which happened on my 36th birthday, and is also the day we launched my new site). What with my retreat into my beautiful home (it was supposed to be a sanctuary, not a self-imposed prison), the last week brought many thoughts and feelings to a head.
If you have never seen Six Feet Under, let me say that it is, without reservation, one of the best shows in the history of television. I saw the first season when it originally aired, but then my studies at UCLA started, and I never kept up with it after that. For a decade I wondered what had happened to my favorite cast of characters. Well, I finally sat down to find out. And watching it occurred as a great deal of darkness was already forming in my world. But the reason Six Feet Under was so moving, especially its epic finale, is that is in unapologetically plausible/possible. The point it makes is that the past may be set, and that people may be complex and infuriating, but all of it is just context that feeds the possibility of the future.
Regardless of what bad has happened, how can that become a lesson for future happiness? So something sucked yesterday? I mean, it was totally fucking horrible? Like, devastating??? Okay, great – now you know what you do NOT want. The montage at the end of Six Feet Under demonstrated so beautifully that we can still create full lives, that nothing has to be so huge as to be permanent. Lives do go on. And yes, they are messy and fucked up. But when do you finally allow yourself to simply acknowledge that and move forward from a place of wisdom?
There had been so much emotion accumulating inside me. Everything from 2012 was compounding on top of everything that came before it. The last 24 hours in particular have been like spiritual/emotional dysentery. The finale of Six Feet Under finished cleaning me out. I was empty. But I had an extended moment on the floor in my bathroom: When the last episode ended, I ran to run a shower, fell on the floor, and started crying and shrieking, purging all sorts of negativity onto the floor. The sounds coming out of me sounded like a wounded animal. It was terrifying. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize the creature on the floor, but I realized I was feeling cleaner and healthier with each sob. Finally (and this is possibly a first for me in my whole life to date), I decided to stand up, look at myself in the mirror, and SEE. And what I perceived was amazing. I saw ME for the very first time. I am not ugly. I am not scrawny. I am not stupid. I am not mean. I am not broken. I am a pretty amazing motherfucker, and it felt good to feel like that. I haven’t had that much buoyancy in months, possibly years.
I took a shower, and it was almost like being baptized. When I stepped out, I felt so much lighter. And all of the events of the last week culminate on Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year??? Amazing. It couldn’t be planned better. The days are growing longer already. I said it only a day ago. And here it is, the proof of that. I feel so energized, motivated, excited, and happy. I haven’t felt this good since nearly six months ago. I feel alive and optimistic, like a snake or dragon glistening in newly revealed skin, now that the old has been molted and discarded.
I am happy.