Dating an exotic dancer: What you need to know
Last week there was a bit of a crisis with one of my friends and his girlfriend. She’d found some text messages on his phone that were (to an uninformed eye) extrememly shady and hurtful at best. I had to explain to her why she should not be upset about this particular set of messages from another woman. I was surprised that after nearly a year there were so many details she wasn’t aware of. My friend should have explained better what his interactions are, but also his girlfriend should have been asking more questions.
Here are some details that the lovers of entertainers need to know:
- For the most part your partner is probably not cheating on you. If your partner has not explained it to you thoroughly, you have to understand that we sell fantasies. Our patrons know this. It’s what they want. Unfortunately, sometimes they get wrapped up in their own ideas. If you come across incriminating messages, talk to your partner. An honest, transparent conversation will likely reveal a situation where your partner is saying that which needs to be said in order to maintain the patron’s interest. Only you and your partner know the rules in your relationship – as long as those boundaries aren’t transgressed, then you’ll simply have to adjust to this particular detail in your partner’s career.
- If you find your partner saying bizarre stuff to certain people, ROLL WITH IT. At a moment’s notice you have to be ready to fall in along side in the little make believe bubble that can unexpectedly alight on us. If entertainers go to the grocery store, laundrymat, gas station, or some other public place, we are likely to bump into people who know us from the club. We have to instantly fall into that roll. If you’re there, you have to follow. Just smile and nod about whatever your partner is saying, no matter how outlandish it seems to you. This is part of dating an entertainer: Maintaining fantasies. If you don’t like it… well… there you have it.
- Most dancers choose to separate their personal lives from their work lives. There are many important and practical reasons for this, as is illustrated in my blog about stalkers. We do this to protect ourselves and you. Don’t screw it up. I’ve known entertainers who have broken relationships off with people they deeply loved over this. Privacy is sacred. Only certain individuals are allowed behind the velvet rope.
- If your partner denies you, there is a reason for it. If you learn of your partner saying s/he’s single or recently single (and you’re surprised by it), address it in private. Your partner is probably saying this, so as to seem more available. I personally don’t date, in order to avoid these complications; however, other people are wired differently, and since they want relationships they have to learn to balance all this. Do not freak out if it gets back to you that so-and-so says s/he’s single. It’s part of the illusion.
- Communication is important in any relationship, but is exponentially more important when you date a professional flirt and/or sex worker. These types of scenarios are not the standard form of coupling by any means. There will be many stressors that other relationships wouldn’t survive; however, if you choose to be with an adult entertainer, you have to accept that the old-school mold won’t fit you. There should be clearly identified boundaries that you both agree to. Honesty and transparency become more important in non-traditional relationships of any kind, so stop worrying in your head and starting talking about your fears/concerns.
- We deal with lots of ups and downs emotionally from this work. Being understanding, patient, supportive, and accepting goes all LONG way towards healing rifts.
- People change (and yet they do not). If it gets to the point that you are no longer happy, it is best to make it known. It is also not fair to throw past experiences about “infidelity” in an entertainer’s face if you were willing to tolerate them. Deal with the present, not the past.
- Don’t snoop. Privacy is sacred. If you have questions, ask them. If you go searching for trouble, you will find it or invent it. If you’re dating a liar, leave him/her. If you’re dating someone who has told you everything, then you’re being obssessive, and the entertainer should leave you.
- As Prince sang a long time ago: “Trust: it makes you a real lover. Trust!” Until you’re given a (true) reason to doubt, then you’ll do much better by paying attention and giving trust a try.
- Avoid allowing various details to pile up and upset you. It’s better to address something directly while it’s still manageable, rather than to go to sleep angry. Accepting as truth rumors and gossip from outsiders is a great way to ruin your relationship. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.