Will you marry me?
It has been the Winter Solstice for 3 hours and 14 minutes: HAPPY YULE!
It is the first day of winter: The season for rest, introspection, and planning. Tonight will be the longest night of the year, but winter also promises eventual light and warmth; however, today, at this moment, isn’t “just” Yule. Now is also the moment of the full moon. But, even more significant, there is a total lunar eclipse today at this moment, too! This is the first time this has happened since Yule, 1638!
Yule is the season of self examination. The full moon is a symbol of complete empowerment. Eclipses remind us of rebirth. Today holds a cosmic call to put all this together into one meditation: Knowing oneself allows a person to become a powerful newborn.
Yes! Today is the day to formally announce it: I am engaged to be married!
I have asked me to marry me, and (after a year to consider it carefully) I have accepted my proposal to myself. I had to get to know myself for a year, because I didn’t want to freak out and reject myself.
Joking aside, this isn’t a cynical ploy to scorn others’ relationships or marriages. I’m not doing this to warden myself off from sex or future relationships with others. I am not doing this to please, anger, gratify, or perplex anyone. I have placed a diamond band on my finger (a solitaire will follow in 2012 [Edit: You can see and read about it here]); I plan to court myself; I will take solemn vows before a spiritual mentor (as well as family and friends) to love, honor, and cherish myself; and I will take myself on a honeymoon.
I do all this for a very practical reason: I have chosen my boyfriends very poorly. I had no ability to be successful in a relationship. I gave until my integrated wellness was bankrupt.
I have been single for over four years, and I am VERY happy. But I also recognize that I will eventually need to relax my guard… And since rituals soothe and calm me, I have decided to recreate my reemergence into a formal process of training myself to value me properly, so I can then value another properly.
By going through this structured ritual of falling in love with myself, testifying before witnesses to honor myself, and beginning a new life as a person empowered to command respect, I am forcing myself to abide by the vows I will make. If, in front of people, I promise to take care of myself, then I must do it, or be a liar. I empower everyone who sees my marriage (live or via YouTube) on June 29, 2012 to rebuke me if I break my vows. Since I have not honored myself on my own, I am putting it outside of myself, so that I have to honor myself as a function of maintaining my word of honor before others.
In 18 months, just after the Summer Solstice, I will marry myself. By that time I will be free of debt. I will have more personal stability than ever before. I will have been single for nearly six years, and will have had the necessary distance from all my past relationships. I will be ready to try again. From beginning on the longest night I will finish on the longest day.
I do not regret taking this time to myself to be single. I luxuriate in being utterly myself on my own terms, without making compromises. I have needed that. This has been an incubation period: When I come back from my honeymoon, I will not immediately hatch as someone’s boyfriend. But I will return open to the idea of trying.
I am not becoming a monk or eunuch. I will begin to include others to a degree that I have avoided since 2006. In marrying me, I will be ready to marry someone else.