I cast thee out: Get behind me, Satan!

“From ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord deliver us.”

We all have our demons. I am definitely not an exception. I still have a particular monster under my bed. (I would say I have a skeleton in my closet, but the door is wide open, and nearly all those have come clattering out onto the floor.) But to stretch this extended metaphor to its breaking point, I will say that I am still haunted.

I have been eating irregularly again.

I thought I’d completely contended with the anorexic tendencies, but they are back. And it helps to talk about it, to examine it, and to get it out of my head. It’s like clearing the cobwebs out of a spooky house. I am eating as I type this, in a bid to reverse the habit that has been coalescing since Sean Cody published my legal name. Over the last several weeks I found myself falling into a familiar thought process: “Oh, it’s too much trouble to eat. I’ll just put it off. What I’m doing at this moment is far more important (plus I’ll look better, too).” That last part is what betrays the underlying problem. The rest of that notion is fairly typical to American workers… but the last part… I have to break this cycle NOW. I have accidentally initiated a process of feast and famine, and it’s wrecking my mood and wellness.

Looking at what might have triggered this, I have to say it’s pretty obvious: My stress levels went up dramatically just before my birthday, and have never really diminished completely. At the exact same time that everything was happening with the gay porn blogosphere in June and July 2010, both Gramma and Dad went into the hospital on my birthday. Dad has recovered, but Gramma has not, and it’s wearing Mom out (who is getting almost no help from her brothers, which is pissing me off more and more). While I was trying to take a break and retreat from everything for a couple weeks, I ended up having to contend with various types of emotional traumas simultaneously, and my response was to stop eating properly (to say nothing of my drinking water and sleeping enough). All of it together has thrown me into a bit of a tailspin, and my sense of happiness and optimism have definitely taken a hard knock. In addition to these factors, the trolls guarding the G4P bridges on the intrawebzes got in some painful licks: It was extremely jarring to have so much homophobia lumped on me by my own people. I admit it: That hurt.

It’s an odd addiction, attention. When I was getting far too much of it, I just wanted it to go away; however, there’s some kind of reality-show-need to maintain it (despite the fact that I didn’t want it in the first place). I feel a little bit like a used car: I’ve been afraid of becoming an obsolete model after having been driven hard by too many reckless drivers. It isn’t that I care specifically about becoming a porn star, but I have been fretting over preventing the prediction of my detractors: I have been trying to stave off their desire for me to fail in my video endeavors. But it isn’t for these anonymous “people” to define my happiness or my success – I have given them a power that isn’t theirs.

And so, as you can see, doing porn is also contributing to this eating situation: I am constantly worrying that I look ridiculous next to my scene partners, that I look utterly disgusting next to their beauty. (But my agent told me that nearly everyone in porn suffers these same insecurities.) Part of the problem in maintaining a strenuous diet is trying to stay in tip top shape constantly, so that I can be ready at a moment’s notice if I get a call for a scene. I haven’t allowed myself enough down time to rest and enjoy food. It’s irritating, because they call when I’ve been enjoying desserts too much for two weeks, but when I am a good boy I don’t hear from them. I had a carb meltdown yesterday and ate half a box of Golden Grahams. Sigh. Watch them call me in three days once the puffiness sets in around my bellybutton…

It was my goal to do 10 scenes. I have already done 11 (nine of them this year, AFTER the bullshit with Sean Cody… so MNAH!), and I feel the need to dig my heels in and remind myself that I am an escort who has done some porn. I’m not a porn model who sometimes escorts. I did what I set out to do. There are now examples of me in a variety of scenarios. Worrying about whether or not I will get more scenes has become too much of a priority. I can check off the porn item on my Adult Entertainment To Do list.

I am going to put the focus back where it belongs: On being happy. And I was happy when I wasn’t worrying about proving something to a bunch of assholes I’ll never meet (thank the Goddess for small miracles). If I continue to do video work, great. And if not, okay. I will accept reasonable video offers for scenes that don’t diminish me as a person or cloud the clarity of my brand, so long as the dates don’t conflict with my travel plans; I will continue spending time with the people who enjoy my company; and I am going to calm this porn noise by reconnecting to a spiritual practice that I have recently neglected.

Besides, I have other concerns: A Greek Orthodox Monk is on his way over to my apartment to talk to me about the plot for a musical he wants to write. And he’s using my poetry to do it. I think that is far more interesting than whether or not I’m given the nod of approval from a group of rampant consumers who are impossible to please.

Speaking of rampant consumers: I’m hungry. I’m going to go eat some more. I’m making a conscious effort to exorcise this demon.

Author: Devon Hunter

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  1. Good for you Devon! The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and are happy. These other nameless guys don’t care whether you are happy or not (and most likely they aren’t happy themselves.)

    Get back to that practice (both spiritual and eating.)

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  2. Hey Devon. I’ve been a fan of your blog for a while now. I’ve found a lot of inspiration here, particularly when it comes to dealing with self-esteem and trying to be the best person that I can be.

    I love how you stay true to yourself and I think that’s something that a lot of people can forget to do at times. I’m sorry to hear that life has been turbulent lately, but you seem to be on the right track for getting to where you want to be. Life can be ask a lot of you and load you with so many expectations, but I always try to remember that I’m a human being with strengths and flaws like anyone else. I strive to be happy and I try to remember that I can’t please everybody.

    I wish you all the best. Just wanted to let you know that I think you’re an awesome, beautiful, and radiant individual. I’ll add you to my Twitter just for the hell of it. 🙂 Take it easy.

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  3. Thank you both for the encouraging words: I think I’m going to celebrate by having another serving of those Golden Grahams…

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  4. Devon – you are very handsome, extemely sexy, brilliantly intelligent, and extraordinarily creative, as well as compassionate with a great sense of humor.
    These gifts and the inner strength that makes you unique and special to many will help you through your trials and tribulations.

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  5. Hi Devon. I went on a bender myself. I am pretty stressed with the same issues, and I went on a food binge after weeks of diet and exercise. It happens. Let’s hope the near future is brighter for all of us.

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  6. Devon,
    I guess great minds think alike. I have been on a very low carb, low fat, high protein diet mixed with lifting for the past month. Yesterday I just couldn’t take it any more and had Chinese and lots of rice. Today I of course regret it. I fully understand the carb attack.

    You are a great rebounder as you have proven many times in the past, and I would guess virtually everyone likes you as you are, not as you think you should be. Hugs.

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  7. WHAT???!!!
    Swinging Richard’s dancers are (gulp) STRAIGHT?!…
    My favorite video at Sean Cody (guess whose) wasn’t passionate unbridled lust??….
    Geeze, what’s next…senate Democrats are gonna’ stop apologizing for being Democrats???

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    • This is what you thought would offend me?? Babe, I’ve gotten far worse than that (and even though you intended this for a different blog entry, I still read it the way you intended, and I was never upset by it). 🙂

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  8. Hey Devon,
    ‘Just wanted to apologize for my comment of 9/18. I put it on the wrong post.(That’ll teach me to go near a keyboard at 4am). It should’ve gone under “Straight Dancers”.
    I would never treat such a serious and intimate disclosure with flippancy and insensitivity. It saddens me that I may have given you that impression.
    ‘Hoping for absolution!
    Your MOST ardent admirer,

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    • I don’t remember being offended… and if I don’t remember, then best to let bygones be bygones. 😉

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