You don’t look like yourself tonight, dear…

Last night I danced at Club 621 in Greenville, SC, and I had a really good time. OMG!! They have the perfect poles to dance on there: They’re very small, so I can wrap my dainty fingers around them; they’re not slicked with oil or polished to a bright shine, so I could use tension/friction to maintain shapes with my upper body more easily; and they were totally anchored in place, so they felt nice and stable. I had a good time dancing there, I really did!

But there was one small “Uh, oh” moment. It’s one of those little tiny comments that you may or may not pick up on until it’s too late, and by then you’ve already undermined yourself. An enthusiastic patron who definitely meant it as a compliment said, “It’s about goddamned time they had a real man dance in here who doesn’t look like a nelly fucking faggot.” And my response? “Thank you!”

Wait a minute. Hold the phone. As soon as he said it I was offended, yet I smiled and “thank you” is what fell out of my mouth out of rote habit. And yet part of me was actually glad he thought I didn’t look like a nelly fucking faggot. But then immediately after that I felt pangs of “oh my god, am I a homophobic asshole or what?” Then I went back to the dressing room for a moment to sort it all out in my head. I AM A NELLY FUCKING FAGGOT, so why would I be (even momentarily) flattered that someone thinks I don’t look like exacty what I am?

All of this is so conflated and destructive. I’m ready for the day when LGBT people start acting more like a community again, and less like mean-spirited heterosexuals with queer tendencies. Now, where’s my tweezers? My eyebrows are looking ragged…

Author: Devon Hunter

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6 Comments

  1. There is enough of a malignancy against LGBT that even members of its own congregation will dose themselves in their own homophobic carcinogen. Some will unabashedly exemplify it, like our dear patron, while others, in the drug-like rush of wrapping their dainty fingers around solid poles and to reverberate their bodies along the wavelengths of the air’s rhythmic twists…will momentarily let it slip out from under festering long-abandoned synapses where we thought it was extinguished.

    Whirling and twirling yourself in phantasmal spirals around that sparkling axix, whose to say the man hadn’t said β€œIt’s about goddamned time they had a real man dancing in here woo cousin Brook like a nelly fucking faggot.”

    and for that you rightfully said,
    thank you

    hope cousin Brook tipped you well πŸ˜‰

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  2. Yup. Just saw the GLAAD antifaggot ads today and realized how badly I need to not even joke around with that word. Its amazing how much permission we can give others indirectly.

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  3. matt, what is the link to these ads?

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  4. Well, Devon, as hopeless as it sounds, all I can say is there are still self-loathing idiots in the woods. They’re everywhere, maybe even in some long forgotten synapse in my brain that creeps out during a show at a club that I came to watch and some late comers move in right in front of my sight line without so much as an ‘excuse me, can you see?’! This even happens in Canada, for God’s sake, where we’re all soooo polite! So yes the ‘F’ words(Fucking faggots) do come to mind(if not expressed). I think right now, out community is facing a crossroad in awareness and we are the only ones who can bring things back together. There aren’t many general societal values for us to use as guides, since the ones that adhere to them don’t support our interests very much. Some even rejoice at our confusion and conflict. For some the fight for a more general social acceptance of our community is moving too fast, or even in the wrong direction(some think that the desire of many gay men and lesbians to be allowed to marry is the end of our radical challenge to traditional society), while others say things are moving too slowly. Even here in Canada, with all the gains we’ve achieved, we’re still hounded by a national party that has many members who would take everything away from us if they can figure out how. And right now they are the National Government! But most LGBT folks here think everything is good enough, so don’t worry about it.I think our community here needs a galvanizing setback to spark a sense of solidarity again. We need to tweek those synaptic memories of what it was like being under threat. It’s a shame to say it, but it seems that having it ‘Good’ doesn’t always make us ‘Better’.

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  5. Yes that term is still around and is it not horrible that our own kind use it and we don’t stand up for ourselves. Just like many blacks use the N word. I remember one time coming out of Blakes in Atlanta with a friend and these guys came by and called us faggots. Well he yelled back to them and said that is Ms. Faggot to you. Don’t feel bad about your feelings. Just like other situations in life we have to bite our lip. You have expressed it and hope all of us that read your blog will learn from it.

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  6. Please note that some of the comments are being deleted by the system for some reason. If you find this to be the case, please let me know, and I will post them manually for you…

    Mike:

    The way I’ve grown to see things in the years since I finally came out of the closet, be who you are, regardless of what form that takes.

    I take umbrage at those who disparage “nelly queens.” I take exception when people disrespect the so-called straight acting guys. I can’t be what you want me to be. I have to be me.

    And yes, I found you through SeanCodyReviews.com, I can’t lie there. πŸ˜‰

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