Never forget who you are, little star

The title of this entry comes from a song by Madonna about her (then) newly born daughter. It seems fitting for a number of reasons. Before I go into what’s on my mind, I should first apologize for not blogging sooner: I had promised some wonderful stories, and all you got was silence. Let me explain…

Perhaps you have noticed that two separate times now there has been a listing in my bookings for San Diego called “Career Exploration” or something equally cryptic. I should go ahead and explain, for those who didn’t click the link to see what it was all about, that I have done two videos for the Sean Cody site. One is a solo video, the other is a duo. I am getting fatigued of driving to far away clubs just to have to hope that there will be a crowd with people who like me and are willing to tip. This is a modality of adult entertainment that is new to me. And I had some adjusting to do in my head. I will continue doing it as long as they call me. But it muddied the waters for me at first.

After my solo video everything was fine. But there are multiple layers of complication associated with the duo, and it has taken me a week to come back into balance. At the base of my turmoil was not guilt or shame for having done the videos, because I’m actually quite proud to have been recruited by Sean Cody. Think of it as one of the highest compliments I could have been given in my career field. What has been gnawing at me is the real fear that I am going to look totally pathetic compared to my scene fellow.

He showed up looking like a tank. In his pics he was slender, toned, and boyish with a floppy haircut. He arrived with a cropped dome, muscles nearly bursting from under his skin, and a tan so dark that I felt very pale by comparison. How is it possible for a 20-year-old to put on at least 20, if not 30, pounds of compact lean muscle in less than a year??? I felt like a grub next to him. I felt like Gollum.

He was straight, and that (along with many other layers of complication) made it difficult after the first four hours to keep an erection. The last three hours in particular were almost botched by my near inability to maintain appearances. This is definitely work. It isn’t sexy to do, but the editing process will take the 120 minutes captured from the 7-hour shoot, and refine it down to a polished 15-minute fantasy. Good enough. I’ll be pleased just to not look like a wimp beside the super-sized Fuller.

All this was very upsetting. But I have a brilliant friend who feeds me some of the most beautiful imagery at the times I need it most. As frustrating as it must be to have to repeat the same conversation over and over, she still keeps on trying to help me understand that I’m a star, and that I shine pretty brightly. She also reminds me with what must be desensitizing frequency that I am also full of love.

The wonderful extended metaphor I got from this person went something like this: You are like Apollo. You go flying by like a blinding light! You glow so brightly. You are so hot. But you’ve completely removed yourself from this place, almost like a star surrounded by the cold vacuum of space. You are a huge ball of beautiful energy, but no one can touch you. That must be very lonely.

It can be. Another reason I took so long to blog is because of something that happened on Facebook. My first boyfriend – I mean THE VERY FIRST – found me. That needs a totally separate entry. It’s that complex…

Author: Devon Hunter

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7 Comments

  1. YOU ARE a superstar who is brave, intelligent, and sexy as hell!! Your physical attributes don’t determine how much of a man you truly are. Even without ever meeting you in person, our conversations alone keep you in a league of your own buddy. We ALL have our insecurities and we’ll always encounter people who have more money, bigger muscles, and greater life experiences. Keep in mind that in the areas where you may lack in comparison, others have found qualities/traits in you that have made them feel inadequate as well. Don’t beat yourself up too much anymore..keep it positive!! xo

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  2. I completely agree with Curt. But remember that it’s not just about how pretty or buff you look. It’s also about how you feel about yourself and how that’s projected via your body language and behavior. Even the sexiest guy in the world won’t rank a 10 on my scale if he seems uncertain about himself. Confidence is a powerful aphrodisiac. Listen to your friend’s advice and let the star in your shine through.

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  3. You are a star that is ONLY on the rise!! I see only great things for you, keep it positive and know that you are loved and supported. I am very proud to have gotten to know you over the last few months and am looking forward to the great things that you will do in the future. Can’t wait to see you! XoXo

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  4. i read somewhere once that a wise and gracious person avoids comparing him/herself to others, since that leads to pride and jealousy. we will always find ourselves greater than some and less than others, so it’s ultimately best to hold oneself up against one’s own standards and meausre the person that is cut from that cloth. (and yet it can be satisfying to draw inspiration from others too, yes?)… hmmmm… but only when it’s done productively, methinks…

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  5. May the angels protect you
    And sadness forget you
    Little star
    May goodness surround you
    It is amazing that you see yourself as less desirable than your co-star. You are beautiful on the outside and from reading the blog you are beautiful on the inside also. Hopefully you will let us know when the 15 minutes has been released.

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